conversation got me here

2012-01-12T23:49:00.001+08:00

semi-poisoned by the pink flower outside.

judge not your fellow brother.

for you, the satisfied consumer who frolics in safety and civil freedom, are clearly unaware of your blessedness.

form opinions if you must.

but judgements, those are irretractable sentences.

i had a dream again.

so real, i believe my senses were confused.

then i woke up, and sighed.

so many butter cookies, but they feed no mouths.

just look at them readings.

and the nearness of my thesis submission.

times i wish i were equipped with american skills.

i tried to be more than me

and i gave till it all went away

and we've only surrendered

to the worst part of these winters that we've made.

2012-01-05T17:50:00.004+08:00

i think i really detest thursdays.

paper crumpled.

taking up less space in the universe.

already small, its made even more insignificant.

cynicism and unbelief: the hand that crushes.

no one dares to expect; we are all cowards.

what is the use, to smooth it out again.

when there will only be creases and dents in those dreams and ideals.

they can never be the same, stained by jade and an elderly sigh.

maybe soon enough, they will cease to resist.

maybe soon enough, i will succumb.

surrendering to the chains of reality that bind my heart and seal my lips.

brought down to my knees, removed of hope, despaired.

when you try your best but you dont succeed.

when you get what you want but not what you need.

when you feel so tired but you cant sleep.

stuck in reverse.

get your head out of the clouds, they'd say.

i am a dreamer, a fool.

but i speak not of a departure from practicality, much less a constant striving toward a fairytale.

clearly, a purely fantastical outlook on life is at odds with the demands for pragmatism in the real world.

but as so many of us do, we escape from these demands from time to time with a book, a hobby, a movie, a lover.

time to time, underscored.

dormancy.

i leave this place.

i woke up feeling heavy-hearted

i'm going back to where i started

the morning rain, the morning rain

although i wish that you were here

that same old road that brought me here

is calling me home.

2012-01-01T19:20:00.001+08:00

the past is set in stone.

some hold it as a trophy; others hide it as a shameful reminder.

some made small, forgivable errors; others committed huge, irreparable mistakes.

but judge not the latter on simple deeds alone.

for folly is only folly if it is ignorantly denied.

no new room.

but new sheets, at least.

i once knew a man.

understood his dreams, his fears, his heart, his core.

but he entered himself in a race.

a race he decided to run on his own strength.

his perspective changed, standing now on the other bank.

still the same beautiful soul, just in a different place.

separated, i can only love him from afar.

the first day of 2012.

blessed new year, everyone.

now its departed, i'm broken-hearted

seems like we never started

you think you're loving but you dont love me

baby you've hurt me.

2011-11-28T22:29:00.001+08:00

this stage of life.

on foreign ground, so unnatural.

everything before reads like something out of an instructional manual.

whats changed?

isnt it simply about dominance, a need to prove one's worth of status.

as if speaking more coarsely or bestowing generous portions of profanities genuinely makes (civilized) people hold you in higher esteem.

mister mal, oh, mister mal.

i guess what makes it intimidating is the silence.

the lack of continuity as feared misattribution to either poor engagement skills or perceived aloofness.

a healthy curiosity, let that take the lead instead.

no, thank you.

not a guy who sees a woman as just another rung on Life's ladder to be pursued, conquered then shelved for display like a beautiful trophy ready to be coated with dust.

rather, a man who sees his woman as his partner for Life to be respected, trusted and cherished like a lover who is at once strong and tender.

take me by the tongue and i'll know you

kiss me till you're drunk and i'll show you

all the moves like jagger

i got the moves like jagger

i got them moves like jagger.

2011-11-07T17:16:00.000+08:00

a present mind is endowed with strength and reason.

so cut down on late nights with early mornings.

today is a beautiful day.

the sky is a light pale blue with clouds that resemble friendly bunnies.

the sun is bright and warm, giving light that has been sorely missed this past week.

i cant help but stare, then smile and say, "blessed be the name of the Lord".

stop, look, not walk (on) but enjoy and bask in this work of art.

in the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze

there's a pleasing sense of happiness for me

i'm on the top of the world looking

down on creation and the only explanation i can find.

2011-11-02T00:23:00.000+08:00

learning the lesson.

basking in His presence does something.

it brings a keen awareness of the here and now.

this very moment, not on whats planned next or whats coming up on the to-do list.

something so difficult to do these days.

ahhh.

after a good workout session.

a not-so-delayed gratification.

just because a person prefers the conventional doesnt mean he's rigid, stifled or unexposed.

the word 'prefers' suggests the exertion of choice: he's been to the other side and back.

the former, decidedly less appealing and to some extent, pointless.

what do you so fear.

that your eyes, like glass, give away those secrets like candy on halloween.

that your smile, well-furnished, shows how hard you're trying, if only for the benefit of everyone.

on days like these, or not.

what you really are is solemn, melancholic, thoughtful.

main lesson taken away from evolutionary psych.

selfishness can be understood, and overcome.

but it does not elucidate how.

You walked with me, footprints in the sand

and helped me understand where i'm going

You walked with me when i was all alone

you give me strength to carry on.

2011-10-27T23:56:00.002+08:00

no more childish games.

the java chip frap is proving to be so chummy with the tastebuds that it might just take over the white chocolate mocha frap as my regular customer.

them.

they make a mockery of life.

open your eyes wide.

no rounding up or benefits of the doubt.

LKY's memoirs in french.

commonwealth.

when all that has been said and done.

there will be no more beautiful places or people left to speak of.

only materialism and competition.

when you truly care for someone, their mistakes dont change your feelings because its the mind that gets angry.

the heart still cares.

perks without the works?

wish i could, but its not right.

all those sweet smiles

all of the passion

all of the heat, the peace, the pain

and knowing too well

i couldnt hide from those eyes.

2011-10-24T20:04:00.001+08:00

dreams will be dreams.

it takes but a smile.

a genuine smile that comes from even the tiniest bit of bliss.

the glow on your face that smooths out your sharp features.

the look in your eyes that i've come to know so well.

still warms my heart and softens my demeanour.

thats christian bautista's "the way you look at me".

2 timothy 3:2 - 5 (NIV).

but mark this: there will be terrible times in the last days.

people will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,

without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,

treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God -

having a form of godliness but denying its power.

have nothing to do with such people.

the definition of prudent.

the ability to govern and discipline oneself by the use of reason.

sagacity and shrewdness in the management of affairs.

skill and good judgement in the use of resources.

caution or circumspection as to danger or risk.

the worst thing one could feel is neither love nor hate, but ambivalence.

a point on the continuum that symbolizes the encompassing of both extremes.

in javanese culture, having the ability to hold contradictions within a single body would deem one powerful enough to be a king.

but one feels nothing like a king in such a predicament as this.

being relegated to the fence, one cannot set foot on the meadow fields that lay on either side, but is torturously allowed full view.

and then, one looks up and sees the point.

i'm this sentimental, no doubt.

read my lips carefully if you like what you see

move, groove, prove you can hang with me

by the looks, i got you shook up and scared of me

buckle your seatbelt, its time for take-off

i dont think you can handle this.

2011-10-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

a masochistic flavour.

eye contact.

a gesture so often emphasized yet wrought with baffling layers of complexity.

an irrationality, believing it confers more meaning than its intended purpose.

or a fear of showing that beyond the supposed uninvolvement and respect for boundaries, you care.

a mystery box.

entirety only with perseverance and well intentions.

but take heed, it should not be the unknown that truly draws.

it could, but it fails to sustain.

not every one that comes by can be taken in and beautifully expressed.

at least, the king of one.

broad enough a coverage, but using whats available to its maximum potential.

seems the most plausible strategy.

it took so long just to feel alright

remember how to put back the light in my eyes

i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed

'cause you broke all your promises.

2011-10-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

open net.

so good, i could sing "A Whole New World".

suddenly, i'm reading five books simultaneously.

something i never endorsed.

but if i'm ever gonna be reading anything other than my texts during the semester, doesnt seem like i have a choice.

almost forgot what it feels like to be immersed in well-crafted reads.

always too impatient before, to get to the action.

always rushed to the climax, only to neglect the climb.

looked too far ahead into the future, almost skimming just to get there.

now i remember, what being in the present bestows.

a settling, the way it feels when you let out a deep, long and calming breath.

an understanding, the way it feels when you really listen to somebody.

the beautiful words, the well-strung sentences, the apt descriptions.

they work together in sync to tease my senses and enthrall my mind.

just the way my books pamper me.

piece by piece, they come down.

the posters go, the trinkets go.

in five days, the bed goes too.

after christmas, i wont even recognize this place.

and maybe that'll be a good thing.

maybe sometimes

we feel afraid but its alright

the more you stay the same

the more they seem to change

dont you think its strange.

2011-10-04T16:27:00.004+08:00

not everything has to be said.

its quite cute when hunterr vies for my attention by attacking my newspapers.

he even plops himself down on the spread, so i can neither turn the page nor read whats on the current page.

funny how he isnt drawn to destroy or obstruct the useless picture advertisements.

i did what i did because i loved.

but its okay, its okay.

sunburnt from spending the whole day at starbucks.

what you get for having high tolerance for heat.

i wish, i could still be in a position to say this to you.

but go on and take it

take it all with you

dont look back at this crumbling fool

just take it all

with my love.

2011-09-30T18:34:00.005+08:00

i know, i learn.

another experience in my pocket.

the turns, the transitions, the pitfalls.

never again will i give of myself so easily and so entirely.

words are mere words, even if sincere at one point, can come back to haunt you.

i was a fool, i thought i'd seen it all.

but never did i see this coming.

i was a fool, i let myself believe.

i let myself believe in the beauty of his soul.

his purity, morality and his strength in standing his ground.

surely, i thought, you're different from the others.

i ask myself: was it change, or did i believe a lie.

and i refuse the latter; i've seen him stripped down and vulnerable.

his hopes, his fears, his dreams, they tell me his heart is in the right place.

so i hold on to this hope, that the man i knew would eventually emerge from underneath all the muck and grime reality has buried him in.

this hope has kept me going, my fuel when i grow weary, my encouragement when i lose faith.

but this hope drives me crazy, knowing he loves the way he is now.

no intention to stand against the influences of this world, of peers, of reality.

then i am holding on to the ghost of him, the shadows of our past.

i know, i need to leave this place.

in great agony, i walk away from the dreams i had with him.

dreams of a beautiful family, of happiness, of growing old together.

never again will i let myself be swayed during the chase.

promises come from words, and are really, mere words.

i guard my heart fiercely.

believe, but never believe entirely.

of fluorescence.

a love at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent.

- Francis X. Newman

oh how am i gonna get over you

i'll be alright, just not tonight

but someday.

2011-09-28T17:48:00.006+08:00

there's just something amiss.

cant quite put a finger on it.

but if we close our eyes and sense.

something doesnt feel right.

another major cramp episode has disrupted my agenda today.

times like these i say, the boys have it better off.

i should ask no question.

for i will not hear what i need to hear.

the responses are logical, but the motivation and the right reasons for this are not there.

i play the role of a mere extra.

no status of importance, nowhere near a core element.

but a reserve on the sideline bench.

like an ornament.

with it, the house is beautified.

without, the house remains unfazed, functional.

there's no real need for ornaments, really.

even if i dont burn my bridges, i cordon them off in faithfulness.

you seem to be keeping your doors open instead.

maybe in a friendship, this situation would more likely pan out.

but anything more than that, it just doesnt seem right that your other half is dispensable.

am i the one who's settling?

no more bad boys with huge egos and a public image of high maintenance.

just one good, clean and honest man who has nothing to prove to the world and is sure of what love entails.

why, why baby

oh i love you, i still love you

although there's pain in my chest

i still wish you the best.

2011-09-23T00:14:00.001+08:00

a betrayal.

where do i find the heart to trust again.

underneath this rage, is plain defeat.

go home missin' sleep like 'em, creep like 'em

front with your friends, act hard when you with them like him

keep it hid in the dark

what you dont know wont break your heart.

2011-09-22T16:29:00.002+08:00

genuineness in a pill.

that would sell.

if the workload now resembled anything like it was 15 years ago, i'd be doing a double major in psychology and english literature.
no doubt about it.

in fact, maybe i should have gone with my first decision to major in english literature.

my mind seems too fantastical to be boxed in by the reality of an empirical social science.

one seeks a rail.

made of steel, fastened tough to the ground.

another seeks a bullet train.

swift, sleek and modern, built to impress and garner adoration.

a bullet train cannot run without its rails; neither do the rails serve any purpose without being used.

but truly, that bullet train is simply a rail, manifested differently.

diy home improvement.

quite exciting actually.

another bestfriend project.

remember, come what may.

blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these broken wings and learn to fly

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

2011-09-11T16:26:00.003+08:00

sometimes it gets so hard to believe.

its such a blessing to have people like my coach, even though he may only be at the sidelines of my life.

thankful for his wise counsel and input, as always.

it is different, when you are in the presence of someone who genuinely cares.

someone who would make the effort to connect and take the time to sow into your life.

and on top of all of that, give you a pay raise to commend your work.

a foolish wit, or a witty fool.

so what if it hurts me, so what if i break down

so what if this world just throws me off the edge

my feet run out of ground

i gotta find my place, i wanna hear my sound

dont care about all the pain in front of me

cause i'm just trying to be

happy.

2011-09-09T01:26:00.001+08:00

a human being has only so many resources.

how he expends them tells of his priorities.

a meaningful venture to one may be but a silly undertaking to another.

silly, indeed.

at this point, there is no choice but to simultaneously read books of different genres.

or not read that which truly entices at all.

maybe it was a blessing i forgot to go for the borders sale.

how can it be fair.

losing restraint and endorsing permissibles.

so easily close, so easily overstepped.

maybe its just the initiation.

those two meta-rectangles.

i used to look and smile, oh the abundance of it.

then it became a deep ache and longing for a lost innocence.

now, in the middle of the two.

more green tea for me today.

silly.

look at this stuff, isnt it neat

wouldnt you think my collection's complete

wouldnt you think i'm the girl

the girl who has everything.

2011-08-20T23:57:00.001+08:00

it seems like the closer a person is to me, the more reluctant i am to activate the psychologist in me.

maybe i just refuse to see them or see the interactions as just another unit to analyze, to simplify, to manipulate.

so i become like a layman, helpless and unaware by choice.

and people say: you're a psychologist, you should know how things like these work.

trust me, i have never been of the notion that human interactions should be so flippantly broken down, nor that psychology should aim to essentially bring us down to mere equations.

if i could, i wouldnt.

only then will life become simple.

i am but twenty-two, and the world has already worn me down to a cynical fifty.

a revival of the dead poets society would be nice.

sans the wilderness campfire.

so petrified, i'm so scared to step into this ride

what if i lose my heart and fail, declined

i wont forgive me if i give up trying

if this aint love, then what is

i'm willing to take the risk.

2011-08-05T14:15:00.001+08:00

[Brad] We didn't care if people stared.

We'd make out in a crowd somewhere.

Somebody'd tell us to get a room.

It's hard to believe that was me and you.

Now we keep saying that we're okay.

But I don't wanna settle for good, not great.

I miss the way that it felt back then.

I wanna feel that way again.

Been so long that you'd forget.

The way I used to kiss your neck.

[Carrie] Remind me, remind me.

[Brad] So on fire, so in love.

Way back when we couldn't get enough.

[Carrie] Remind me, remind me.

Remember the airport dropping me off.

We were kissing goodbye and we couldn't stop.

[Brad] I felt bad 'cause you missed your flight.

[Brad & Carrie] But that meant we had one more night.

[Carrie] Do you remember how it used to be.

We'd turn out the lights and we didn't just sleep.

[Brad] Remind me, baby, remind me.

[Carrie] Oh so on fire, so in love.

That look in your eyes that I miss so much.

[Brad] Remind me, baby, remind me.

I wanna feel that way.

[Carrie] Yea I wanna hold you close.

[Brad & Carrie] Oh if you still love me.

Don't just assume I know.

[Carrie] Do you remember the way it felt.

[Brad] You mean back when we couldn't control ourselves.

[Carrie] Remind me.

[Brad] Yea remind me.

[Carrie] All those things that you used to do.

That made me fall in love with you.

Remind me, oh baby, remind me.

[Brad] Yea you'd wake up in my old t-shirt.

All those mornings I was late for work.

Remind me, remind me.

2011-08-02T22:23:00.003+08:00

Your face is beaming.

You say it's 'cause you're dreaming.

Of how good its gonna be.

You say you've been around.

And now you've finally found.

Everything you wanted and needed in me.

I don't have the heart to hurt you.

It's the last thing I wanna do.

But I don't have the heart to love you.

Not the way you want me to.

Inside I'm dying to see you crying.

How can I make you understand.

I care about you, so much about you, baby.

I'm trying to say this as gently as I can.

'Cause I don't have the heart to hurt you.

It's the last thing I wanna do.

But I don't have the heart to love you.

Not the way you want me to.

You're so trusting and open.

Hoping that love will start.

But I don't have the heart.

Oh no, I don't have the heart.

2011-07-28T23:31:00.003+08:00

growing up does not need to come at the expense of child-like beliefs.

like world peace, love, honesty, whole families, beauty or romance.

aiming for pragmatism should not be an excuse to the fact that really, one does not hold these beliefs strongly enough for them to manifest.

the world teaches us to chase its standards of wealth and excellence, and far too many are fooled into this race.

some may think that these child-like beliefs belong only in leisure, in fictional literature, in childhood.

"grow up, thats not the real world, you'll see."

but what you need to see is that their very existence gives the world its balance, without which comes deceit, manipulation, cost-efficiency, exploitation and inhumanity.

we made the 'real world'.

we tipped the balance in favour of pragmatism.

i dont suggest its eradication, really.

merely a reinstatement of at least an equal status and emphasis.

people change, everyday

they change like you

i got all the time in the world

people cry, all the time

they cry like me

we got all the time in the world.

2011-07-03T23:53:00.002+08:00

suffering is but a means by which He draws us closer.

in greater dependence and greater reverence.

teach me, dear Lord, to live all of my life.

through Your eyes.

take me, mould me, use me, fill me.

call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me.

i give my life to the Potter's hand.

there was a moment in time when the universe was dark.

no movement, no purpose, no life.

just an emptiness, a void that begged occupation.

in such a place as this, nothingness was rampant.

this is the state of affairs at the end of this particular road, of all the other roads to choose from.

a stillness that signified not peace, but numbness.

a lack of hope.

but He said, let there be light.

in such a place as this, even a tiny glimmer of light is enough to capture attention.

and one cannot help but be drawn to this glory, with eyes turned upon Him.

turn your eyes upon Jesus

look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.

2011-07-02T23:29:00.002+08:00

God is love, and if i were to follow Him in Christ-likeness, I need to love.

not a love that is secular, conditional or convenient, but one that is greater than the self, that touches the hearts of others.

and because it cannot come from one's being, it must come from the strength of my Father.

reminded again, how music lives in my soul.

its Your stubborn love that never lets go of me

i dont understand how You can stay

perfect love, embracing the worst in me

how i long for Your stubborn love.

2011-05-25T23:20:00.004+08:00

traditional parenting works just like the government.

there is little transparency and imperfect information in economic terms.

there is always an imbalance of knowledge and power, where the ones above rarely feel the obligation to uphold a true mutually beneficial and edifying two-way relationship with their dependents.

and when they feel their power to control slipping and their glory to command respect waning, when their ability to demand unquestioning submission starts to decline, they desperately grab on to whatever object, ideology or principle that is left to defend their throne in quicksand.

empty threats, implicit notions of remember-you-still-depend-on-me-for-survival.

to some point, it makes you feel sad for them but it also reminds you well not to walk down that same pathetic path of dictatorship.

paris.

something is moving.

a work started or a response finally made?

a break and a restoration.

something good is stirring.

but is it too late to start afresh.

i honestly hope not.

let Him move and let all of us respond.

i close my eyes when i go to bed

and i dream of angels that make me smile

i feel better when i hear them say

everything will be wonderful someday.

2011-05-06T00:32:00.002+08:00

in a time of this ideological battle.

there will be a winner and a loser.

it has pit comrades against each other and created deeper, more visible fault lines.

a battle is a battle, entailing pride and bloodshed.

for many, it has gone out of hand.

may it leave as swiftly as it came.

relishing in the freedom of obligations gone.

and the thing i really appreciated most was the freedom to dwell on my thoughts.

to fully immerse myself in my less-than-academic thoughts of life, of people.

no more guilt when i choose to pursue the fascinations that so capture my imagination.

appalling, such an unnecessarily blaring outcry.

revealing an utter lack of insight and awareness; an inability to fathom a world outside your own.

no argument over physical exposure, but your mental and psychological exposure is surely in a deficit.

maybe intolerance is not the right word to account for such reactions, more like being uncomfortable and unsettled.

to know that someone out there doesnt fit within the nice little categories you're so used to.

just because you cant imagine it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist or that its not possible.

no excuse, really.

for there are others who arent psychologically trained too but have the empathy and open-mindedness that you clearly know nothing about.

five more weeks is such a drag.

but the reward is worth the wait.

you treat me just like another stranger

well its nice to meet you, sir

i guess i'll go, i best be on my way out

ignorance is your new best friend.

2011-04-26T23:40:00.001+08:00

the only thing that changes is the understanding of emotions.

one knows what precipitated certain sensations and feelings.

but it doesnt make the emotions any less intense nor eradicate them altogether, one simply knows how best to deal with them.

observing the relationship between child and parent has been immensely heartbreaking.

maybe its a more common phenomenon than previously assumed.

maybe i'm just biased by being drawn to such cases.

but the ones that do exist display such a valley of separation between parent and child.

the most common response i get from children in early childhood is that daddy and mummy have no time.

for the older ones, its that daddy and mummy dont understand.

to all the parents out there, its NOT okay to think that a rift between you and your children is normal.

neither is it okay to believe that they'll manage just fine on their own with minimal supervision and attention.

if you dont understand your child, it means you're not trying hard enough.

if you think you do understand your child, then check with reality by asking your child directly: do you think daddy/mummy loves/understands you?

you might be in for a surprise.

children arent meant to be a generation gap away.

they are meant to be held close physically, emotionally and spiritually and made to feel that even if the whole world caves in on them, you are there to lift them up again.

be whole before you love another.

promises mean everything

when you're little and the world's so big

i just dont understand how

you can smile with all those tears in your eyes

and tell me everything is wonderful now.

2011-03-25T16:00:00.001+08:00

Isnt it enough I fight the dragons?

That I fight the villains and win the prize?

Isnt it enough that I run the kingdom?

Solve everyone's problems, direct and advise?

Why must I also get down on my knees and apologize?

Because I love her, I need her.

Like Earth needs the Sun.

I need the one I love.

To keep my hope bright, my head right.

My heart fighting on.

Until I am back in her arms.

Because I love her, I need her.

Like summer needs rain.

To grow and sustain each day.

I hear her singing, and bringing.

Strength to my soul.

Until I am back in her arms.

Miles apart, yet still my heart.

Can hear her melody.

I'm more than sure I cant endure.

Without her love for me.

Because I love her, I need her.

Like I need to breathe.

Did Adam need Eve like this.

Now I see clearly, I nearly.

Gave up all I had.

So whatever our differences were.

I'll bid them goodbye, I'll give love a try.

And all because I love her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K5tFg3ufRQ

2011-03-23T01:04:00.001+08:00

a code yet to be deciphered.

i took too many things, way too many things, for granted.

held a self-centred world view, gave conditionally, claimed rights that should never have been mine.

i asked, almost every saturday evening, "change me".

now i know why i am made to bear this anomalous circumstance.

partially only, because i know it is not done yet.

what i know for sure is i will look back and say that God's plans have always been to prosper, and not to harm.

did you know you could verbally trample someone to death?

but the answer to one does not grant rest.

yet another question begs resolution.

well i want to see my kids grow old.

and always have Your hand to hold.

oh i was made, made for more.

truly the school of hard knocks.

more than this whole world can offer

more than all that time destroys

and all i've wanted here cant satisfy my wanting

cause i was made, made for more.

2011-03-13T14:20:00.002+08:00

something is different.

this artificial equilibrium.
a solid, steady balance that no longer tips to the extremes.
no, in fact, it hardly tips at all.
it is not affected by the heaviest melancholy nor by the most uplifting beatitude.
it remains a solitary unit of survival, thoughts and emotions wavered by no other.
this artificial equilibrium i call adaptive functioning.
i used to think this was the best way everyone should live their life.
independent and invincible.
no one could touch you, none could hurt you.
but you become cold, detached, emotionless, even cruel; nothing is real or lasting anymore.
the 'ability' to empathize is but a knowing, rather than an understanding.
i abandoned it sixteen months ago.
but it seems like a good thing to return to now.

be silent.
put it back in the bag.
its way out there.

something is different.
success, i now function like you.

i can feel it coming in the air tonight
well the hurt doesnt show
but the pain still grows
its no stranger to you and me.

2011-03-03T01:12:00.000+08:00

"i'm the closest to superhuman you're gonna get".

the way that we dance, the reason we dream
that big italian tower, well, how does it lean
something so strong shouldnt make me this weak
oh, nothin' 'bout love makes sense.

dang, i really miss making music.

making all the plans in the world.
attempting to finish but feeling the sinking sensation knowing there's no way the agenda is going to be completed.
ultimately, the final say is with Him.
all things are made possible.
He made a way.

no more strength for resistance of any sort.

sometimes, a shattering has to come before understanding can be sought.
because too often, we get caught up in our own worlds, our own minds, that we forget others cannot see through our heads.
the assumptions, the pre-conceived notions, the expectations.
sure, it makes for efficiency if these intangibles are shared.
but when they clash, conflicts arise and misunderstandings are birthed.
the subsequent feelings of not being understood serve to exacerbate, giving no reason to compromise at your cost.
there has to come a breaking point, where the realization and awareness of this phenomenon sets in.
that it is not truly a zero-sum game but one of consensus.
then, resolution is not too far off in the distance.

nothin' 'bout love is less than confusing
you can win when you're losing
stand when you're falling, i cant figure it out
nothin' ' bout love can make an equation
nothin' short of amazin'
wish i could explain it but i dont know how.

2011-02-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

brian:
did i hear you right
cause i thought you said lets think it over
you have been my life
and i never planned growing old without you

brian:
shadows bleeding through the light
where our love once shined so bright
came without a reason
dont let go on us tonight
love's not always black and white
havent i always loved you

delta:
but when i need you
you're almost here and i know thats not enough
and when i'm with you
i'm close to tears cause you're only almost here

brian:
i would change the world
if i had the chance, oh wont you let me
treat me like a child
throw your arms around me, oh please protect me

both:
bruised and battered by your words
dazed and shattered, now it hurts
brian:
havent i always loved you

delta:
but when i need you
you're almost here and i know thats not enough
and when i'm with you
i'm close to tears cause you're only almost here

delta:
but when i need you
you're almost here
brian:
well i never knew how far behind i'd left you
delta:
and when i hold you
you're almost here
brian:
well i'm sorry that i took our love for granted
both:
and now i'm with you, i'm close to tears
brian:
cause i know i'm almost here
both:
only almost here.

2011-02-21T23:02:00.000+08:00

getting through this article has shattered my assumptions that articles should be manageable with a reasonable amount of effort within a reasonable period of time, so i guess this can be considered a mild traumatic event.

mix both sexes in a group, especially the young ones, and watch their gender roles exaggerate.
truly giggles and assertion in excess.

an entire recess week on one module.
a first.

having someone truly believe in you, in your development, in your future; someone who opens your eyes and your doors to ambition and lifts you up on their shoulders so you can reach beyond the horizon; someone who sees you for you and not just another nameless face in the cohorts that come and go.
i am blessed with that someone, who has inspired in my heart a drive and passion to pursue things i never knew about nor thought possible.

i can fly higher than an eagle
thank you, thank you
thank God for you
the wind beneath my wings.

2011-02-15T23:48:00.004+08:00

time really flies when i study outside.
three hours gone on the Fall of Singapore.

such is the political apathy and insensitivity of this generation (NUS students taking Nation-Building, you should be ashamed of yourselves) that they can snigger and laugh while watching PM Lee's anguish announcing the separation.
maybe permissible, if you are skeptics who mock his ways and his principles, but i'm guessing you found no other appropriate emotion in such a tense and solemn situation (psst, your friend sitting next to you might think you're too serious and emo).

young bravado, but equipped with weapons of profanity and threat.
a hollow source of power whose main purpose is to impress, for the main audience are their also-ran fellows.
oh, how they feed off and fuel their mutual gratification.

surprise, surprise.
arrived?

ignorance is your new best friend
ignorance is your new best friend.

2011-02-10T14:54:00.001+08:00

it takes more than 16 to know.
then again, if there's no attempt, it will never be enough.

my dad said 4 years ago.
bands never last because there will always be differing opinions amongst the members, its better to go solo, then you alone determine your direction.
now, 4 years later he said.
if one member leaves, find another replacement; if another member leaves, find another replacement. dont let somebody else's decision stop you from doing what you love.
wise words indeed.

the only one who can, at once, bring you to the top of the world and to the deepest pits of cavalry.

week 10, march 21.
when all the madness dies down.

Queen's harmonies always gets my pulse racing.
good harmonies are a dose of effective high.

dont stop me now, i'm having such a good time
i'm having a ball, dont stop me now
if you wanna have a good time
just give me a call
i dont want to stop at all.

2011-02-08T00:07:00.001+08:00

already feeling the tug from the strings of detachment.
resist, but with what?

space.
the region beyond the earth's atmosphere or beyond the solar system.
dark and empty, beyond reach.

why did i give the go-ahead?
i know i wont come out of this better.

leaving as quick as it came.
as hazy as the first morning under the sheets.

i'm still sending the package, if it counts for anything at all.

why on earth
cant you just pick up the phone
you know i dont like to be alone
how come you dont call me anymore.

2011-02-05T01:32:00.003+08:00

not enough in our glasses to fill other glasses.
thats why lifting a finger requires the strength of a thousand men.
the excuse is that it should come naturally.
but acknowledge that Man was not innately programmed for this ideal.
acknowledge that in this unique case, the glasses are three-quarters or less by default.
there is no room for hoarding, a hobby too expensive to afford.
there is even less room for wastage; know the receiving orifice.
then there will be enough to go around.

what is it with historians and their style of writing.
never-ending sentences, vague historical references and an inclination towards the selection of thesaurused words.
its like they themselves believe what they write is fluff and unworthy, to actually feel that in order to attain the apogee in scholarly writing, they have to confuse and mystify.
exactly my point.
i had to google "apogee" to understand my reading.

i must add that yes, i confuse and mystify too.
but my content does not set out to achieve common understanding.

get rid of all i'm used to.
get used to something new.

if i told you i've been cleaning my soul
and if i promise you i'll regain control
will you open your door and let me in
take me for who i am and not who i've been.

2011-01-23T15:47:00.000+08:00

sleep.
the only solace in times like these.
away from consciousness and reality.
just rest, silence.
yet dreams slip in on occasion.
no escape from either the good or the bad.
thats why i'd rather end it on a good before departure.

i woke up to my alarm.
i woke up to the wrong alarm.
neither 0830 nor 0930.

you're still the one i run to
the one that i belong to
you're still the one i want for life
you're still the one that i love
the only one i dream of
you're still the one i kiss goodnight.

2011-01-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

She drowns in her dreams
An exquisite extreme you know
She's as damned as she seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if you try to save her
Your whole world could cave in
It just ain't right, it just aint right

She's magic and myth
As strong as what you believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do you try to change her
So hard not to blame her
Hold her tight, baby hold her tight

You're longing for love and the logical
But she's only happy hysterical
You're searching for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long

She's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end she breaks
She's never enough
And still she's more than you can take

Oh and you don't know
You don't know what she's after
But she's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if you could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

2011-01-10T11:20:00.000+08:00

He hears and answers the faithful, faithfully.

if only i could analyze films for a living.

i like regulation and order.
singapore's regulated and orderly.
some sense of consequence for one's actions.
a culture that shapes the choices of its residents.
like they say, freedom is the independence from being constrained by another's choice insofar as it can co-exist with the freedom of every other in accordance with a universal law.
to do so, either we regulate ourselves, or be regulated by an external system.
call it rigid but it does inject a little predictability into life, like how you know that its highly unlikely you'd be run over at a zebra crossing.

forgot how wanting to take a cab feels like.

a high criterion, a preference, a lifestyle.
i'd rather have false alarms than risk a miss.

is drinking seriously an actual hobby.

well maybe there's a God above
who gave me you to grow in love
and taught me how to treasure you and hold you
its not a cry that you hear at night
its not somebody's who's had a fight
its a gold and its God's given hallelujah.

2010-11-19T02:02:00.001+08:00

i need chasing.

equipped with an aching heart.
it doesnt sear nor pierce.
a dull throb, a breathlessness.
with cuffed wrists, helplessness.

her hands, her hands.
they will wander where she wants them to go.
her fun, her fun.
you will play along and lead her on so.
there is nothing i can do but sit and stare.
and trust you care.

some days its okay.
other days i allow myself to be selfish, and then i go back to being okay again.

romance in a rat race.

when i see your face
there's not a thing that i would change
cause you're amazing
just the way you are
and when you smile
the whole world stops and stares for a while
cause boy you're amazing
just the way you are.

2010-11-02T14:16:00.000+08:00

paradise.
an intermediate to greater things.

i just want you close
where you can stay forever
you can be sure
that it will only get better

the funny thing is that if you'd just reach out, you'll find support everywhere around you.
you closed the door and latched it.
they can knock, but its on you to open it to let them in.

the last moons.
keeping the swing in a steady beat.
all the way to the last measure.
then a new song begins.

mom took over, surprisingly.
an effortless fit.

doing us better.

no one, no one, no one
can get in the way of what i'm feeling
no one, no one, no one
can get in the way of what i feel for you.

2010-10-20T21:02:00.000+08:00

i am a waiter, waiting.

too transactional, too business-like.
a weight of worthiness.
take it on, and it gives.
nothing unnecessary, nothing more.
the bare essentials, the minimum of survival.

put more of them in and one by one, they'll fall apart.
ignorance is truly bliss.

i buy myself time.
at a cost i cannot afford.

well i never felt more like running away
but why should i go cause i couldnt stay
without you, you got me singing the blues.

2010-10-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

a call to read.
a call answered.

i breathe not.
but i know not.

we were strangers starting out on a journey
never dreaming what we'd have to go through
now here we are
and i'm suddenly standing
at the beginning with you.

2010-09-26T18:26:00.002+08:00

suddenly, i am the poorest of them all.

a chair is still a chair.
even when there's no one sitting there.
but a chair is not a house.
and a house is not a home.
when there's no one there to hold you tight.
and no one there you can kiss goodnight.

a room is still a room.
even when there's nothing there but gloom.
but a room is not a house.
and a house is not a home.
when the two of us are far apart.

who am i kidding.
the moment those kids step out into the working world, they'll learn that cheating isnt cheating if nobody knows.
whats left of honesty and integrity?
shrewdness is the new gene of the fittest.

say nighty-night and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
while i'm alone and blue as can be
dream a little dream of me.

2010-09-23T16:22:00.000+08:00

a hundred days have made me older.
since the last time that i saw your pretty face.
a thousand lies have made me colder.
and i dont think i can look at this the same.
but all the miles that separate.
disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face.

the miles just keep rolling.
as the people leave their way to say hello.
i've heard this life is overrated.
but i hope that it gets better as we go.

everything i know and anywhere i go.
it gets hard but it wont take away my love.
and when the last one falls, when its all said and done.
it gets hard but it wont take away my love.

too hungry too easily nowadays.
need more healthy snacks.

take cover, covered eyes.
stay close, closed ears.
do not know the others out there.
take shelter, sheltered heart.
stay vigil, willed mind.
do not let the present compare.

i'm here without you, baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you, baby
and i dream about you all the time.

2010-09-22T17:37:00.000+08:00

from the Chinese tradition.
we know all good things come in pairs.

can it actually be done.
with numerous identities to prevent, to fend off.
is there enough time in a day for war.
multiple wars requiring multiple strategies.
fallen, we do not know.

life, time, people.
they wait for no man.
there're just too many things that need to be done.

troopers.

but i miss you most of all, my darling
when autumn leaves start to fall.

2010-09-20T21:15:00.000+08:00

now winterwear catalogues catch my attention.
all in due time.

if you're gone.
baby you need to come home.
there's an awful lot of breathing room.
but i can hardly move.

a penny in a pond.
awaken, then grit.
the crawling claws of sand.
just a slight glimpse.
from a submerged surrealism.
surface, eyes wide.
still, to be seeing hills and valleys.
ebb and ameliorate.
emancipation.
on a cold winter's night.

my air purifier is out of water again.

i found a way to let you in
but i never really had a doubt
standing in the light of your halo
i got my angel now.

2010-09-14T17:29:00.001+08:00

i'm a train wreck in the morning.
i'm a bitch in the afternoon.
every now and then without warning.
i can be really mean towards you.

i'm a puzzle, yes indeed.
ever complex in every way.
and all the pieces arent even in the box.
and yet you see the picture clear as day.

i neglect you when i'm working.
when i need attention, i tend to nag.
i'm a host of imperfections.
and you see past all that.

i'm a peasant by some standards.
but in your eyes, i'm a queen.
you see potential in all my flaws.
and thats exactly what i need.

the longest day i can remember.

listening to our Blind, Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Last Kiss and Yesterday demos.
i shed a tear.
is it selfish to hope?

i dont know why you love me
and thats why i love you
you catch me when i fall
accept me, flaws and all
and thats why i love you.

2010-09-08T18:29:00.000+08:00

assume idiocy.

on his mind.

we'll walk this road together through the storm
whatever weather, cold or warm
just let you know that you're not alone.

2010-09-05T21:06:00.000+08:00

a deviation from the norm.

always present, but with interjection, dwindled to minimal.

not required.

because, left aside and failing.

again, to evolutionary levels.

we do what we can to make others feel welcome, not ostracized.

that has been the "tradition" becuase of exclusivity and supposed superiority.

stop the attrition rate, it starts from us.

it is not by my strength that forgiveness of such a magnitude can come forth.

it is a burden i have left on the cross.

i want to be able to reach you in a cab ride's time.

why the segregation between the generations.

not every kid is aware enough, given.

but not every kid is ignorant, says common sense.

similarly, not every adult is ill-educated.

but most, if not every adult is culturally trapped.

if i just breathe

let it fill the space between

i'll know everything is alright.

2010-08-09T17:12:00.001+08:00

the things of the universe we cant control.

when we try to interfere, it makes a fool out of us.

clay.

they tend to take the form of the container they're placed in, although they may not always fully adhere to all the nooks.

some clumps of clay are softer and more malleable, while others are harder and more inflexible.

these nature-determined differences affect the forms these clumps take on, even when put in the same container.

despite possible variation, it is imperative that they be put in a structure and not left to stand alone.

by themselves, they will remain as clumps, unrefined and rough around the edges.

with structure, these clumps eventually grow into them, taking that form with them thereafter.

they may be put into other structures, but because they have set, it is more likely that they retain their characteristics rather than change entirely.

point in case: initial structures are key to the final form of these clumps of clay.

make sure they get the right ones.

make it a point to step into another's bubble in order to truly understand.

dont simply see or hear others from their own bubbles, otherwise, all that is seen or heard may be grossly inaccurate.

any decision based on this information will be sure to spark a riot for justice.

happy national day.

and through it all he offers me protection

a lot of love and affection

whether i'm right or wrong.

2010-06-10T21:39:00.000+08:00

love is a temple.
love is a higher law.

it becomes some sort of a collection.
a circle here, a tick there.
the latter, conquered; the next, a challenge.
its the same as those of trinkets, action heroes and antiques.
just more callous and destructive.
in fact, it is an activity that could be compared to hunting, involving the blasphemy of life for fun and sport.
i suppose out of the many, some get to keep and display their trophies; some believe their trophies lie somewhere ex post facto.
is it really a cause, or just another rationalized justification?
let there be concordance, we need it.

one step in there and it's like you go back in time.
back to where the sets and structure was clear as day.
when there was no doubt about your points of execution, about their points of execution.
every match was a game of strategic manipulation, both physical and psychological.
one step in there and the anticipation of the next shot thrills the life outta you.
brilliant, simply exhilarating.
it becomes exceptionally beautiful when you can see what i see.
because its no longer just a box or a bunch of lines, it becomes a game area with specifically marked out spots of perpetration.
like a chessboard to a chess master; you see all the moves to victory.
a skill like that is invisible to the eye, making it the most difficult to impart.
it is something that once learnt, cannot be undone.
it is a beautiful thing.

one life, with each other
sisters and my brothers.

2010-05-09T13:59:00.000+08:00

i never realized sweet child's intricacies.
what have i been missing.

we feared.

there's something about it.
something that needs to be altered.
can i get construction in?
its been long overdue.

peace.
rest.
joy.
sleep.
where.

keep your distance from it
dont pay no attention to me
set me free of my disease.

2010-04-26T13:38:00.000+08:00

everything has its antecedents.

paranoid personality disorder.
characterized by at least 3 of the following:
1. excessive sensitivity to setbacks and rebuffs
2. tendency to bear grudges persistently
3. suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous
4. a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation
5. recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner
6. tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude
7. preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large
thank you, wikipedia.

all night hearing voices tellin' me
that i should get some sleep
cause tomorrow might be good for somethin'
but stay a while and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me.

2010-04-10T15:51:00.002+08:00

i not only mourn the loss of kin.

but the loss of a supposed good friend.

thanks to all who made the birthday video a success!

it was definitely an interesting IT learning experience.

a bolster of courage.

evidence that one is still human and deserving.

a reminder that one will never again revert to old habits.

that who one is is held together by its very existence.

though, it is but extrinsic; an ash escort.

an instability that must be absolutely disconcerting.

disconcerting enough to fall away.

you cant play our broken strings

you cant feel anything

i tried to hold on but it hurts too much

i tried to forgive but its not enough

to make it all okay.

2010-03-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

havent taken something this hard in a long time.

note to self (and loved ones).
always love and be loved, by at least one other human being.
be honest about whats really going on.
dont suck it in and play it tough.
get angry and let the world know you're angry.
acknowledge that you can and will be weak.
acknowledge that you can and will need help.
avoid isolation at all costs.
if in desperation, call out to God.
speak and believe that others will understand.
remember to take the time to tell those important to you just how much they mean to you.

so important people, i love you and i am a human being.
thats the first tick on your to-do list.

He works in ways we cannot see
with love and strength for each new day
He will make a way.

2010-03-24T20:01:00.002+08:00

one too many Arsenals.

balance.
the hard and the soft.
the loose and the tight.
the fast and the slow.
the yes and the no.

art.
its appreciation requires acquired taste and experienced judgement.
smell the fresh paint on canvas, hung up on the wall.
each line so strong and bold, crips and defined: the water as water and the sky as the sky.
every character a separate entity, a distinct self.
colours and brushstrokes nothing short of vibrant, rushing and uninhibited.
but let it endure several winds.
lines fade and boundaries blur, as confused colours begin to merge into one another.
identity encompassing identity, who are you anymore.
the once rugged terrains of strength mellow to give way to smooth, unprovoking textures.
but we humans display the reverse.
resist the urge to fight the inevitable.
just come and come to terms.

dishonesty and impression management, conscious or otherwise, get in the way of good beer and soccer.

so many possibilities for disillusionment.
so many opportunities to slip and fall.

goodnight, grandpa.
sleep well.

i was once lost, but now am found
was blind but now i see.

2010-02-24T01:03:00.001+08:00

relinquish and release.

its frightening, the volatility of thoughts and their subsequent consequences.
one small pebble that accounts for some unique variance above and beyond current factors dropped into an otherwise still pond can drastically shift a paradigm once thought to be set in stone.
all that you think you know can disintegrate in a moment right before your eyes and you wont even know what hit you.
oh, a thought.

a sweet gesture.
a thoughtful heart.

her soul slides away
but dont look back in anger
i heard you say
at least not today.

2010-02-21T19:01:00.000+08:00

shift of focus.

i miss making good, solid music that thrills me to the bone.

one night of indulgence leads to a cascade of leaves to rake up.
harmless unless accumulated, with long-standing repercussions.

we should never be afraid to die.
so come on.

fingers on an interface, pick one.
rose, maple, ivory, steel.
getting lost, drown.
attempts, few and far between.

i'm willing to pay so much more for good customer service.
there, your price discrimination opportunity.
dont let this become a thing of the past.

for once, i dont want lyrics here
i want a melody, a deserving tune.

2010-02-10T02:28:00.001+08:00

can i do this.

i swore i'd never fall again.
but this dont even feel like falling.

i'm not used to asking for names.
detrimental lack of a habit.

feet that dont stand on solid ground.
where's the rope.
fasten it, wind it hard.
for the land may slip up from under.
caught.

its like i've been awakened.
every rule i had you breaking.
its the risk that i'm taking.
i aint never gonna shut you out.

up to my neck in agenda.
and i aint just talking sheets.

and accept it that soon
you'll be drenched to the bone
if your time to you is worth savin'
then you better start swimmin'
or you'll sink like a stone
for the times, they are a-changin'.

2010-02-07T12:57:00.003+08:00

who do i believe.

i see each stream so pristinely.
but the beautiful mind's mechanisms cease to procure its meaning.
or rather, the semantics are extracted but not purchased.
i'd be too poor at the end of it all if i did.
where has the natural adolescent ability to hold conflicting ideas simultaneously and evaluate them gone.
there is change, happening.
reversable, no?

the tussle between the desire to be unpredictable and the need to be understood.

BECAUSE, THATS WHY, THEN BECAUSE, THATS WHY.

come on.
even john frusciante left the band.

therapy is a dangerous industry.
an open heart invites injury.
mishandle it, and it becomes paid injury.
working assumption is on the premise of caring.
versus the legality of professionalism.
abundance, compromise from?

people.
what an increasingly foreign concept.

gotta take my surefire answer and follow through with it.
thank You for chonghui's response to that same answer.

your eyes seek conclusion
in all this confusion of mine
though you and i both know
its only the warm glow of wine.

2010-01-26T15:51:00.001+08:00

all else, but family, neednt get it.

the eye, sore.
the gut, clenched.
the expectation of wretchedness when unsubmerged.
a forbidden indulgence tamed by reigns of preservation.
made to punish the foolish and hedonistic.
half-hearted products.
truly pleasure spiked with pain.

but another sacrifice i'm willing to make.

i should stop operating with the assumption that kids ought to know certain things.
they just arent equipped to.
on such a large scale, only the best and worst stand out.
no way is there time for personal nurturing.
can only deliver a mass message and hope each one imposes their own beneficial meaning.
makes it harder, given their current capacity.
its pretty much up to the individual's caretaker to produce another fine addition to society.
there is only so much we can do.

one man's meat is another's poison.
one man's joy is another's sorrow.

because if you wanted to, you could easily do it.
the power of photography, awareness, analysis, confusion and perspective shouldnt be misused this way.

lions, watch your pride.

what is becoming of this.
where has my mind gone.

to be with every night
this is it
i cant wait for the rest of my life.

2010-01-17T22:42:00.000+08:00

it is such a non-dania thing to do.

a pocket of space to spare.
not there.
the senses fool and mislead.
take heed.
moulds hold us in place.
too wrinkled to give chase.
if only codes didnt exist.
bliss.

its been long since i wielded my weapon of choice.

no discrimination.
between the haves and the have-nots.
whether or not we are aware.

you need a full glass tipped.

we'll let blood build a bridge
over mountains draped in stars
i'll meet you on the ridge
between these worlds apart
lets let love give what it gives.

2010-01-03T16:39:00.000+08:00

stripping it down to the bare essentials.
the core that stayed through the night will stick around for a long time to come.
thats what its all about.

one word.
stronger.

the question.
asked and answered.

the resolution.
yet to include everyone's opinion.

the stack of books, waiting to be devoured.
i lament.

we're burning down the highway skyline
on the back of a hurricane that started turning
when you were young.

2009-12-26T20:14:00.002+08:00

just my twisted way of reaching out for help.

but in the world's eyes, i am condemned.

i need to leave this place.

to linger here in Your presence.

because nothing feels more right than this.

a drawing.

the orange glow and rows of grey.

the lure with a promise of revelation and rejoicing, sweetness and embracing.

where more than two gather, inviting.

our chorus into a holding above, a sweet sweet sound.

come, come and walk among us.

only then, will we walk out different.

the new year beckons.

with it will come new visions and promises.

on a hill far away stood an old rugged cross

the emblem of suffering and shame

and i love that old cross where the dearest and best

for a world of lost sinners was slain.

2009-12-23T00:43:00.001+08:00

never again will i fight so hard for something like that.

what do they got, a lot of sand.
we got a hot crustacean band.
each little clam here know how to jam here.
under the sea.

no, you will never get it.
until you try handling it yourself.
go, go on.
then you'll finally understand that my words are not empty, unnecessary fuss.

was it worth it?
i never thought i'd be asking myself this question.

just look at the world around you
right here on the ocean floor
such wonderful things surround you
what more is you looking for?

2009-11-30T21:00:00.000+08:00

un-made up.
and liking it.

reward and recognition for what nature has randomly assigned?
amusing but rather unnecessary.

i've got an excessive population of babies in my direct vicinity.
doesnt help with Construction's unabashed establishment of its presence here as well.
great background music to study to.

24 hours of nothing is a long time.

two valleys suspend, cloaked in tension.
a land breeze sweeps over, tormenting the patient willow.
the river below races frantically, as if the ocean lurking beyond can offer improved solace.
then, at last, night falls.
slowly and softly, the smooth silence tenderly kisses the parched land.
it blankets even the deepest crevasses that have been left dormant for so long.
leaving in its wake the intense, possibly violent need to defend status quo.

really, all that matters is the intent behind the action.

this night is wild, so calm and dull
these hearts they race from self-control
we're doing fine
we're doing nothing at all.

2009-11-15T16:55:00.000+08:00

now.
but a bunch of warriors each fighting their own battles.
each with their own story to tell.

listen to me now.
i need to let yall know.
yall dont have to go it alone.

according to social psychologist, Arthur Aron, a central human motivation is self-expansion.
this is the desire to overlap or blend with another person, so that one has access to that person's knowledge, insights and experience, thus broadening and deepening one's own experience of life.

yall dont have to put up a fight
yall dont have to always be right
let me take some of the punches tonight
sometimes you cant make it on your own.

2009-11-14T14:55:00.001+08:00

testimony of the day.
assumed: deadline on Saturday, 24th October 2009, 0000.
actual: deadline on Sunday, 25th October 2009, 0000.
deadline totally slipped my mind.
talk about the benefits of going to church.

a shrivelled entity.
a result of the concentration gradient effect.
if you dont produce it, you steal it from your environment.

you cant afford not to lie in this environment.
its a greater ill not to know how to lie effectively and convincingly given this environment.
aint that a sad truth.
insight after the dreaded project.
yet it is by looking at the need to lie to different segments of people that indicate their meaning and importance to you.
you may say, distorting the truth to your loved ones is just an act of maintaining peace and equilibrium.
i mean after all, ignorance is bliss right.
then what is that so-called understanding that you share with them?
if you really believe some things are better left unsaid, then dont let any part of that ever see the light of day.
that is, if your conscience actually permits you so.
insight bestowed by family, or so-called family.

not that kind of affirmation.
its nice, but way too temporary.

i am alone at a crossroads
i'm not at home in my own home
and i tried and tried to say whats on my mind
you should have known
now i'm done believing you
you dont know what i'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you think you gave to me
but now i gotta find my own.

2009-10-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

then there are those times when i want to refuse.

maybe the older you get, the more zen-like your world perspective becomes.
you start to realize that certain things are part and parcel of this life and that no amount of whining and complaining changes the reality of it.
you also realize that a lot of things are actually within your power to control and that you were never subject to conventional mindsets all along.
but when you start the evolution towards this end of the scale, you begin to lose the zest and excitement for the little things that were once the source of your amusement.
you start to view everything as being in a state of equilibrium, of apparent rest, of supposed existence.
dont touch, unless you're prepared to handle change.
is it really a good thing when peace comes from the absence of concern?
its time for revision.

never write someone a love song.
for you never know when that love might leave.
leaving you with a sodden memory of a fool's endeavours.

let me do something about this distance.
i cannot see how faith and believing suffice.
deeds?
deeds could be for the sole purpose of assuring myself and nothing more.
how do i do this.

you're still you to me.
although your demeanour occasionally puzzles.
and our conversations rarely strike the chords they used to.
you're still that person many years ago, who wept as you told me the most beautiful story.
at least to me, i remember you that way.

great, deadlines galore.

dont stray
dont ever go away
i should be much too smart for this
you know it gets the better of me sometimes.

2009-10-04T14:40:00.000+08:00

some semblance of a breather.
just a small window.
then back again.

i literally walked down my memory lane.
both heartwarming and heartrending.

we are sufficiently equipped with self-deluding devices.
contrary to popular belief, they actually aid in preventing self-destruction.
sometimes, the illusion of the ideal self preserves one better than the accurate depiction of the actual self.

censorship has cost me my security.

usually, no footprints are left in the snow.

freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed
and all the green belts wrapped around our minds
and endless red tape to keep the truth confined
if you could flick a switch and open your third eye
you'd see that we should never be afraid to die.

2009-09-21T04:20:00.000+08:00

nobody can tell cause i do it too well.

"It is the mind which creates the world about us, and even though we stand side by side in the same meadow, my eyes will never see what is beheld by yours."
- George Gissing, The Private Papers of Henry Ryecroft, 1903 -

all this skirt-wearing is making lose my mojo.

down.
with all the wrong things coursing through my veins.

i should start learning to do my runs in jazz intervals.
knowing some native african language also helps in scats.
fun fact.
for every first-rate scat-singer in the world, there must be 500 talented jazz saxophonists.
so yea, its so much more than instrumental improvisation.

what do you get for trying
minute you're born, you're dying
the body is six feet down
the Lord says the soul sticks around.

2009-09-09T01:04:00.002+08:00

my television has become obsolete.

No one I think is in my tree.
I mean it must be high or low.
That is, you can't, you know, tune in but its alright.
That is, I think its not too bad.

these days, the only things i read are textbooks and IVLE announcements.
how cool is that.
a life of ultimate productivity.
although the above statement is really perspective-dependent.

the doors in this house that i'm thankful for.
the front door.
for always requiring me to wrestle it before it will open up or close.
and for confusing my friends about the direction in which they have to turn the lock.
the maid's room door.
for constantly signalling when there is strong wind in the house.
the downstairs-toilet door.
for not even qualifying as a door as anyone can break through it with sufficient force.
the kitchen door.
for protecting dog-intolerators like jael and alicia from the ferocious canine.
the sliding glass door.
for allowing the ferocious canine to clamber and slobber his juices all over it.
the master bedroom door.
for being hypersensitive to pressure differences in the room.
the brother's room door.
for jangling every time it opens or closes due to numerous belts being hung on its rear.
the upstairs-toilet door.
for being hollow, hence allowing all the weird sounds made in it to resonate and be amplified.
my door.
for simply being my door.
and for indicating that it has been left at an angle greater than the critical angle by free-falling towards my wall and causing a ruckus with the metal bin.

i cant believe The Beatles' material calls for acquired taste.
i can only shake my head in disbelief.

first test of the semester.
tomorrow.

happy anniversary, mom and dad.

in every victory, let it be said of me
my source of strength, my source of hope
is Christ the Lord.

2009-08-23T13:47:00.001+08:00

an alien elitist.

the human emotion in its truest form cannot be fully or sufficiently described with mere words.
we can only inaccurately liken it to physical sensations, for it is the only way one can even come close to allowing another to experience its sheer intensity.
apparently twins are more blessed in this aspect than the rest of us are.

i dont loathe cluelessness.
it is leaving it idle that i have an issue with.

not to worry.
i'll be professional about it.
only about another month of stinging nettles.

is this the way its really going down
what goes around, goes around, goes around
comes all the way back around.

2009-08-02T01:01:00.004+08:00

bought a one-way ticket because i didnt read the fine print.

thats not a girl.
how right you are.

the human mind loves to play a stubborn child.

resources are limited.
attention is selective.
there is only so much we can do.
thats the way the world works.
pity.

this is exactly how the rich get richer.
the lack of underdog trust.

listening is a skill.
it does not purely consist of shutting up.

there's a serious lack of cafes and coffee houses where i live that play good old fashion blues and jazz.
preferably live.

but there's one good thing that happens
when you toss your pearls to swine
their attitudes may taste like shit
but go real good with wine
eat the rich
take one bite now, spit out the rest.

2009-07-17T02:07:00.002+08:00

what you dont see, you make ideal.

a knight leads his armies to conquer a king's heavily guarded castle.
the outermost territory, perfectly prepared, is where the knight incurs the greatest number of fatalities.
the defenders, fierce and unwavering, crush the opposition like toy soldiers.
bruised but undeterred, the knight forges on with spirit.
the closer he gets to the castle, the fewer the soldiers left to fight.
that is the king's undoing, for he knows no other modus operandi.
the king desperately deploys all crew, who struggle to fend off the remaining warriors.
battle has left the remaining worn but experienced.
exposed and vulnerable, the king runs, but where to?
slowly, they make their way furtively, like poison in search of the heart.
they find the king beneath his enormous mantel, sword in hand.
grossly outnumbered, the king fights unrelentingly for his dignity, his life.
and as the knight and the king stand face to face in combat, the knight says, "i promise, i won't hurt you".
it only took a little hesitation from the king, and before he knew it, he had a blade right through him.
the knight kept his word.
it was swift, it was clean.
it didnt hurt.

guess where you are now.
not anymore.

bitter heart, bitter heart
tries to keep it all inside
bitter heart, bitter heart
is gettin' just a little fragile.

2009-07-15T21:43:00.001+08:00

its called diversification.
i did a double take, and it was worth it.

an abyss in the centre.
searching for galaxies and black holes in space when we all have our very own to explore.
empty space and points of light.

a craving to be curbed.
a rush to be contained.
a compulsion to be resisted.
all in a day's work.

she's got a sparkle in her eyes and a spring in her step.
she's back.

you put a smile back on my face.

in the madness of the storm
i'm the one to carry on
you think i'm crazy, a little bit hazy
but i'm stone cold sober.

2009-07-13T21:15:00.001+08:00

they grow up so fast.
not another Pierce Quincy.

so many denominations, so many routes.
questions i cannot afford to ask, for no man is sure.
for no amount of heated opinion exchange can resolve the loose ends formed by our finite intelligence that we so prize.
an idea that we deem so flawless and logically coherent is the same idea thats ridiculed by another faction.
i do like these questions, these challenges.
it is the transient conclusions i take lightly.
some things are simply beyond analysis and comprehension.
helps to remember the road ahead is long and narrow.

you know i'm a dreamer.
but my heart's of gold.
i had to run away high.
so i wouldnt come home low.

the invisible tugs of a dress on expected behaviour.
it does things to people.

its amazing, the routines and things we hold on to for normalcy.
for sanity.

curiousity on the left and irony on the right.
with a lot of other factors, they do add up.
so why the goosebumps when one surfaces?

my heart's like an open book
for the whole world to read
sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams
i'm on my way, just set me free
home sweet home.

2009-07-04T00:52:00.000+08:00

dont we always love to wait till something happens.
something that alters the normal trajectories of daily life.
something that slaps us in the face, then makes us sit up and take action.
dont we adore squandering our efforts on feigning ignorance.
anomalies which we should've picked up are instead, suppressed and overlooked.
the tendency to take for granted the very things we've worked so hard to get.
a pity, when we allow our minds to be sucked in by the motion of life.

everybody should get a chance to experience what true joy and liberation feels like.
and the journey back starts here.

redid my workspace.
i must say, its very appealing.
kinda makes me wanna start school already (oh, the regret that will set in later).
now i've a rock neon sign that fascinates me like a helpless moth to a zap light.
awesome.

put the plastic wraps to good use.

one life, you got to do what you should
one life, with each other
sisters, brothers.

2009-06-30T02:41:00.000+08:00

No eye has seen
No ear has heard
The good that the Lord has prepared for those
Who wait on Him
To hear His voice
You are the Potter and I am the clay

So Jesus, take me in Your hand
And make me all that You want me to be
Jesus, help me understand
My purpose and what You can do through me
Fulfilling my destiny

2009-06-23T22:38:00.003+08:00

information empowers (well, most of the time).
the lack of it paralyzes.
and once you're on top for too long.
you forget how its like to not know.

i'm a whole other in a shirt and tie.

it has brought back some discipline in my routine.

to have us adapt our plans to your non-existent one.
unnecessary noise about being overwhelmed.
then turning around to pick one more off the shelf for yourself since it was shiny and attractive.
one word: unprofessional.

oh you havent the slightest idea how blessed and sheltered you are.
thing is, one only gets mad when one cares.

best.
it means excelling all others.
its a superlative of good, tres bien.
so why did you still settle for mediocre intelligence?
funny how more, doesnt necessarily translate into better.

the management of CHIJ St. Nicholas Girls' School.
please get your act together.
the current badminton team situation is a pretty mirror.

sweet dreams are made of this
who am i to disagree
travel the world and the seven seas
everybody's looking for something.

2009-06-04T00:13:00.000+08:00

exposure is paramount.
it determines how familiar you are with something.
it determines how knowledgeable you are about something.
and most of all, it determines how automated your thoughts and reflexes are about something.
that is to say, how naturally something comes to you without you having to exert your working memory.
even the simplest of things, like telling if a chord is a major or a minor one, or knowing what angle a racket should be at when tackling an oncoming shuttle.
i've learnt not to take these for granted.
of course, a disclaimer: exposure is key, but not a lone ingredient.

i guess i could get used to kids.
they're like regular people, just with a little extra zest and candidness.

imagine what it would be like.

oh dont lean on me man
cause you cant afford the ticket
i'm back from suffragette city.

2009-05-29T07:15:00.003+08:00

it was on its way to becoming the worst day of my life.
but you guys turned that around.
all the way around.

what better way to spend your birthday than to jam the night away with the best bandmates you could ever ask for, have them surprise you with an awesome cake and attempt to sing a harmonious birthday song but ends up otherwise, hide presents in your room, and then continue jamming the night away in your living room?
nothing can top that.
tonight was truly something special.

this state is too profound.
a taboo in this realm.

its easier to put your life into another's hands.
but having others' lives in your hands is definitely no walk in the park.
maybe thats why i generally avoid teaching jobs.

unconditionally, would be good.

nothing goes uncounted.
when the width of a thread is all that separates a simple, instantaneous choice between two states.
two very distinct states.
to reside in an unsettling, interminable vale.
it isnt meant to incapacitate nor induce vacation.
as i've said, everything happens for a reason.

when you remember.
it means something to you.

i cant believe i almost let this slip through my fingers.

its driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around
but lately i'm beginning to find
that when i drive myself, my light is found.

2009-05-26T04:18:00.000+08:00

In the quiet, I question
My purpose, my mission
Could something as beautiful as this belong to me
Still and silent, I listen
A touch, a creation
A stirring from within an uncharted terrain.

Why bring this faltered creature here
Unworthy, even in its own eyes
A wasted heart of faith not given to the wise

No, He says
Doubt not the plans I have for you
The path you fumble on, I've paved with My hands
Do not veer, do not fear
For by faith, My love will hold you near

In times of change, I struggle
A need to throw in the towel
As sure as a child lost in Strangers Paradise
No one else can, I concur
To impact, to conquer
If I'm not right with You, I'm not right at all

Hope, a weak flame on the last wick
Blinded heroes in a vacuum
A voice without a victory song to proclaim

Come home, He says
Come on home

2009-05-24T02:39:00.003+08:00

if you're thinking of dealing with me on ebay.
and if you've never sent a package via the local post office before.
or if you just lack the basic sense that most of us boast.
i suggest you dont.

we're kids and we rule the world.
but we're not idiots.

spent the last few days stuffing comedy down my throat.
especially stand-up.
and yes, on youtube.

violence is universal.
humour is culture-specific.
it may be easier to market violence internationally.
but do the right thing.

dance crews.
where physical uninhibited expression and my envy lie.

here she comes in a suit and a tie
Shepherd's bush and a leopard's pie
she's marching to the funky beat
of James Brown and his dancing feet.

2009-05-22T03:29:00.000+08:00

journey and kiss are next in line.
the time of short shirts tucked in high-waisted jeans and mind-blowing glam rock has arrived.
although i feel the strain just watching steve perry do his thing.

the mind is a beautiful thing.
and by beautiful, i mean beyond comprehension.
a blackhole of knowledge and God knows what else.
quite ironic, that the very thing from which understanding emerges is the same thing that we'll be struggling to decipher for as long as we live.

i dont get it with the whole dan brown davinci angels demons slush.
yea freedom of speech and religion but this is ridiculous.
hyped-up hollywood hooha sells anything.
but we'll look back and go "oh, now look what you've done".

a singer in a smoky room
a smell of wine and cheap perfume
some will win, some will lose
some were born to sing the blues.

2009-05-18T22:04:00.000+08:00

the irony of holidays.
just a different kind of busy.

this way forever?
i dont want it.

better finish my mockingbird and move on.
literarily uninspiring.
doesnt come in handy when i choke for words.

lean not on Man.
for we were made to fail each other.

i yell and tell it that its not my friend
i tear it down i tear it down
and then its born again.

2009-05-13T02:56:00.001+08:00

i've run out of brine.

its the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
to turn around and walk away
pretending i dont love yall
i cant let yall see what yall mean to me
when my hands are tied and my heart's not free
yall've been good to me.

2009-05-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

let the auditions begin.

imagine the war between the desire for equality and the necessity of hierarchy.
understand why it tears me apart.
my demons, my battle.

say what you want.
hear what you want.
think what you want.
because when push comes to shove.
i've got more than just a fork road.

who would've thought.
we all grew up.

arrested.

first to fall over when the atmosphere is less than perfect
your sensibilities are shaken by the slightest defect
you live your life like a canary in a coalmine
you get so dizzy even walking in a straight line.

2009-05-07T15:03:00.000+08:00

wee hours and chaos, here i come.

i forgot who it was that taught me to snap.
but the exact location was below paya lebar mrt.
and his exact words were "just put the two fingers together and try to push your thumb upwards".
just a little tribute.

a picture does speak a thousand words.
and the images i conceive, i cannot translate.
someone get me an artist now.

this is the life.

its time to come together
its up to you, whats your pleasure
celebrate good times, come on!

2009-05-03T03:01:00.001+08:00

double consensus.
BURN.

now all the criminals in their coats and their ties.
are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise.
while rubin sits like buddha in a ten-foot cell.
an innocent man in a living hell.
thats the story of the hurricane.

fear of mediocrity.
the ordinary.
it compels.

Instead, the past has become a vast reservoir of styles and possibilities that are permanently available for reconstruction and revival.
- Martin Lister

the unchecked squares remain status quo.
funny, how you never notice those things when time is on your side.

source, sustenance, destination.
thats truly all in One.

like a rose, trampled on the ground
You took the fall
and thought of me
above all.

2009-04-26T23:04:00.001+08:00

the product of kiedis and rockstar supernova.

i need to be on a team again.
where we train together.
push each other.
fight together.
win together.
cry together.
i miss that way of life.
and i'm actually envious of that camaraderie on The Biggest Loser.

eyes on the prize.
sheer drive.

oh dear, what can i do
baby's in black and i'm feeling blue.

2009-04-24T15:51:00.001+08:00

exams start tomorrow.
and here i am.
being frustrated about not being able to change my blog's scrollbars.

in my life-to-do-list.
do a good version of Queen's "Somebody To Love".

crying and wailing is a very poor and degrading method to get one's way.
children should learn that.

i'm still figuring.
what it is about this sem.

is this whats gonna happen when we start going to work.
the increasingly lacklustre conversations.
the constant monitoring of late nights.
the un-ignorable traces of weariness.
when i was young and we didnt give a damn.
cause we were raised to see life as fun and take it if we can.

finally got my saxophone fixed.
everyone will get to see it tomorrow.
oh, it keeps time for me.

got no feel, i got no rhythm
i just keep losing my beat
can anybody find me
somebody to love.

2009-04-17T23:06:00.002+08:00

so all along, it has been "suck it up".

uncanny.
and the ironic thing is.
i'm supposed to complete the notes for Chapter 14 of my developmental psychology module by today.
title of chapter: the family.

similar does not imply exact sameness.
dont misconstrue.

i'm so high, i can hear heaven
i'm so high, i can hear heaven
oh but heaven
no, heaven dont hear me.

2009-04-08T23:45:00.001+08:00

thanks, zhao.
you really made my day.
or rather, whatever was left of the night.

one only sets oneself up for probable rejection by proposing my attendance at fun and distracting events during this period leading up to the examinations.
because, contrary to popular belief, i am a hardcore striver of excellence, not an indiscriminate pursuer of pleasure.
nevertheless, such invitations are warmly welcomed.
they serve as friendly reminders of a life led by my superhero alter-ego.

nocturnal emissions.
ha, what a euphemism.

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
i've been for a walk
on a winter's day.

2009-04-04T20:51:00.002+08:00

selfish immortality.

when you lay your abilities down like that.
they either get admired.
or trampled upon.

oh for goodness sake.
gimme a break.
cease all attempts that have come to naught.

what would be perfect right now.
is a nice, warm cup of chocolate from Starbucks.
and a wide, golden hay field for my inspiration to run amok.

most of our lives are spent in restraint.

you operate and motivate on synthetic fuel
you're mother nature and an atom bomb
so set me free, set me free
cause i think you need my soul.

2009-04-01T23:59:00.002+08:00

i so need to work on my lower range.

no tight, no tight.
no control, no control.
no matter the number of playbacks.
i am powerless to change anything.
but it doesnt stop me from trying.

too fast, too furious.
hop aboard the joyride.

now now, kids.
dont be selfish.

we are programmed for complexity, as stated in development psychology.
but as we get older, the ability to suppress this complexity becomes more advanced.
so we actually have the choice to turn out as nice, happy people.

possible thesis questions.
purely serving as reminders.
why are people less inhibited and more transparent at night?
there are cognitive benefits for a multi-linguist, so do these benefits apply to multi-instrumentalists as well?

late bloomers in autumn.
a necessary lacking, or an imposed one.

i should blues up my portfolio.

its later than a deuce of ticks
your broken heart, it needs a fix
you're feeding off a high that would not last
so kiss your past goodbye.

2009-03-30T01:29:00.001+08:00

bossa.
my new fetish.

a forest of tall willows, lush green.
soft Rapunzel strands ease away with a single stroke, brushing against the heels of my feet as i go.
sunlight is sparse.
and the occasional beams cause an unadjusted squint.
it is a calming density, even without the knowledge of lions that lay in wait.
no, i refuse a compass and i take no heed.
just undulating tracks that eventually lead me to the place where i'm supposed to be.

what can i say.
tuesday's just two days away.

i disclose.
it was active inhibition on my part.
the thoughts and dynamics fell into the wrong slots.

now the curtain opens on a portrait of today
and the streets are paved with passers-by
and pigeons fly, and papers lie
waiting to blow away.

2009-03-19T23:28:00.003+08:00

i need a training platform.

the concept of a world lens.
a lens through which everything is seen, processed and interpreted.
without communities, this lens would cease to exist.
it is determined largely by convention and the majority.
its scope and degree morphs naturally in conjunction with mindsets, dependent neither entirely on biology nor arbitrariness.
because of this gradual shift that can hardly be swayed by the insignificant numbers of freedom fighters.
there is the concept of the underground.
where conformity is taboo and true skill earns respect.
it brings hope by demolishing the spiral of silence.
but this constant war of opinion will not conclude.
like energy, opinion does not get destroyed, but converted.

guess i took the superhero mission.
but it is mission: unaccomplished.

its only words
and words are all i have
to take your heart away.

2009-03-18T23:51:00.002+08:00

repressing a whole other side.
just takes the right one to let it lose.

a lone ranger's escapade of indulgence.
or a superhero's chase mission.
i teeter.

upset.
that i had to miss some of the awesome stuff at this year's Mosaic.
curbing cravings didnt prove fun, with a pretty catalogue of this year's lineup running around in my head.

Lush 99.5FM is the bomb.
sans the occasional weirdass songs.
maybe they took the meaning of "acquired taste" too far.

yes, my NM2101 tutorial.
i hear you.

say you'll stay
dont come and go
like you do.